maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
