so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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