Got a toothbrush?
I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
