I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
