You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
