i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
