How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Randomize
