i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You should frame my arrest warrant.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
