she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
