im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
