She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
