A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
