I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
