I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
