I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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