He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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