Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
