U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
