Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
