He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
