I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
