it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
