Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
