Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
