Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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