Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Why is there bacon in the couch?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
