i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
