her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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