Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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