I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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