I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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