his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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