I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
