8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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