Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
