Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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