I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
