Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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