I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I got inside last night via doggy door
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
