i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
