I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
