from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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