You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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