Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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