respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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