Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
