I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
