I cockslap morals
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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