it hurts more in the daytime
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
