Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
