Need sex. Gaining weight.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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