just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
